Get me away from here I'm dying.

11:56am: Still my guitar gently weeps.

9:59am: And.. And.. And.. You can put the load right on me.
So... Well. I think I'm excellent. I think things... are excellent. Minus my Neurocardiogenic Syncope. And the few friendship slights. My blood doesn't flow quickly enough to my heart, so I have been passing out to make my body hoizontal so the blood pools in my legs... Hopefully I'll just recover with the mass water supply. Versus an I.V. Or mode meds. Stephanie slept here last night because she isn't going to school today because of her Grandmother's funeral... I think we both had a very nice time. She looked nice in her suit. Harrison fell in love with her. Things are pretty out of wack... But... some things are wonderfully out of wack. I am not used to.. -sigh of relief and relaxation-  Mmm. Noah came over on Monday. He brought me a flower. He's pretty fabulous.... Quixotic. Finally. Genuinly. And Tom's given up on logic! Emtionally... I am pretty Godembraced pleased. With the few slights. And physically. There is no point of even bringing myself down by speaking of it. I am a bridesmaid in my cousin Elena's wedding. And the dress is actually... pretty swell. Which is pretty wack.. ! But, what do I expect from Elena.. She's a crazy lady. Outside is getting warm and bright. I want to dance... Again. I am gagging on my words, now. I am making myself want to throw up.I got two rings in the mail a few days ago. I am expecting Amy's birthday present and a Neverending Story purse, another ring, and a Belle and Sebastian poster.  Alright. I suppose I am done. Elise..!

6:50pm:
I adopted a cute lil' fetus in a tie
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

So, I adopted this fetus...

I think fetuses are awesome...

So does Amy.

Yesterday Kevin and Sara were here. Kev changed my strings, we watched Punch Drunk Love. No one liked it. But, I do...!! A lot!!

Then we went (withOUT Kevy) to Rhodie's. Where we binged on organic stuff! And I broke my toe. We played scrabble, starting with the word: Hoes. By Sara. The points were great... We watched the History Channel and I fell down a stair, landing on my toe. I groped the satin sheets.. And knocked stuff off of her dresser, in my sleep. Which woke them up. Then her phone vibrated, and I woke. We got in the hot tub to-day. It was excellent!

I smelled like chlorine. And it affected my rings. I think they look cool.

AMy is here! She is hot!

We are going, as a group of Sara, Amy, Lisa Steph, and Me..!! To rio! I mean, Fallsgrove! Don't TELL rio.

Um..

Well, I am to hang out with Noah tomorrow. That WILL happen.

Bye!!!!!!! ELise

6:11pm: And you could have it all, my empire of dirt... I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
I suck. At life. I am not really quixotic. Though, I wish I was..!! So...

I am back in school. I have to do a self portait in painting..

Amy and I are adopting a fetus.

So, it's been a while since I updated. Ms. Tiereny complimented my journal.. My ACTUAL journal and said it was the coolest thing she'd ever seen. It made me glad.

She has a Cobain poster, I cannot get over that.

What a god, he is.

So, Juliet said I reminded her of a charecter in "Stargirl" Which, I had never heard of. Maybe I'll read it after "The Beautiful and the Dammned"

I have NOTHING to say, EVER.

Noah danced. Enough said..!!

I got a new ring....

I analyzed a poem today, In creative writing. Najva didn't like it. She said the author was a depressed idealist. I said, "That's a pretty horrible mix." and my group cracked up. Then I said: "It really sucks the world isn't great... but, I think it could be.." I was just kidding, though. I liked the poem. Don't tell Najva.. hah.

This is the end.

My only friend.

THE END.

6:45am: Danced myself into the tune
I am about to go back to school... In a few minutes. I haven't been since November 7th. And to start the day off, Jon IMs me. at 6:43..?? Why that happened, after all this time, I have no idea. My father is going to kill him.

I am wearing my Velvet Underground shirt, I might freeze to death.

My mother requests me downstairs. And yelled about my Velvet Underground shirt.

-Elise.

1:17pm: In a round of exposure, the thing mother nature provides.
Yesterday Jonny cancelled on Shannon due to the rooaaaaads. We were all supposed to go sledding at Frost, they were gonna bring the notorious Breno. Well, THAT didn't happen so Shannon's mother came and picked me and Stephanie up at our homes and we went to Shannon's for the night.

We were online for a while and Noah guessed which picture I liked the best on his website, he, of course, was right. Guitar and Pen(cil). Then we went upstairs to eat dinner, I had already eaten but I requested a plate, nontheless, for good measure. (I put it back in the cabinet afterwards) Anyway, Alaska was mocked for her lack of consumption, or so they thought. Pj made vile jokes, Shannon laughed hysterically but understood NONE of them. Jimmy remarked a few times on my problems with stability. It was a classic Greenspoon and McGuire family dinner.

We all went back downstairs, I was trying to finish up The Natural while Miller had her turn online... but, I helped Pj tune his guitar. Then Pj brought me upstairs to explain a conversation he had the night before with Jonny, which was nothing frightening, on Shannon's behalf, whatsoever, quite the oppisite, even. He was also encouraging and told me he thought highly of me. And called me a freak for looking older than I am. He said my main flaw is that I am more considerate of others than myself. And to prove people wrong when they think less of me. I think it was called the "Fuck You" attitude. Anyway, it was nice. We hadn't talked in depth since the summer.

Shannon and Stephanie and I stayed upstairs for a while when Patrick was on the phone with Jenn and we ate a lot of stuff. Stephanie and I ate about twelve thousand marshmellows, I had a grapefruit, she had two packs of jello/pudding and I had a cone... and ice cream cone, minus the ice cream.

We went downstairs, again, the blacklight was turned on shortly after, so, again, I didn't finish The Natural. Pj was playing Symphony X and I whipped out my ipod, Shannon and Mill got their cd players. Then when Live was played, we all, turned off our music and became involved in Lightning Crashes.

I think I went to sleep shortly after that... On the futon.. (sp.?)

I am now back at home, my hair is straight, and Noah cannot come over. Which is TOTALLY distressing. But, I will see him soon, I hope...!!

I love Elliot Smith. He is my GOD.

The last time you cried, who's you think was inside? -Elise.

9:54am: I was not even faintly... like a rose
There's a snowstorm... It's pretty beautiful.

I read a hundred and twelve pages in The Natural yesterday... I have fourteen left. I am afraid to finish it.

I am going back to school in two days. Which is going to be pretty wacky.

But, tomorrow, depending on the weather and his orthodontist appointment, Noah might come over. To watch movies. Which would be ultra cool.

My horoscope kind rocks: Pierce the veil discreetly for a unique preview. Anticipation is sweet. You're far enough ahead of your time to understand what waiting is all about. The next few days promise to be a little bit of heaven.

That's kind of awesome.

Anyway:

I am back on ebay... I thought I went over my money on my check card and it turns out I have three hunred twenty four left. Well, I bout three F. Scott Fitzgerald books, so now about three hundred. I wanted to get Either/Or and XO by Elliot Smith. Both were absent. I should have gotten the Good Will Hunting soundtrack.

That's all!

-Elise

8:13am: I'll get through, becoming you.
Yesterday was my birthday. The celebration, too.

It started at 12 midnight. With Stephanie, Sara, Shannon, Lisa and Amy. I opened Sara's present then. An amazing skirt and a VERY, VERY cool colored pencil holder, which I want to marry. Anyway, my day was 90% excellent. Minus the... experience in the beginning. A misunderstanding that left both me and Tom hysterical... Luckily my glasses are still in tact.

Well, for about... two or three hours, Lisa, Amy, Sara, Stephanie, Shannon and I just... danced. It was AWESOME. We went ALL OUT, at that. We danced our soooooouls out. Miller kept going, too. That crazy lady. The boys had their moments, too. Alex and I did the Clueless dance. Both Kevins spinned me. The Landsman version did "fish out of water", too. Which made my life. He also played Linus and Lucy on the bass, and Fur Elise. The beethoven song. Which was splendid. Oh so splendid. The ladies from Jones Lane arrived later, they wore their formal attire, as we did. And were excited when Hole's "Celebrity Skin" came on and... That: "I love you, Always Forever" song was played. Which was funny. And cute of them. I love those ladies. Silllllllllly girlies. I loved seeing them, though. So, amen. I don't think they were very into the rest of the music that was played. The mix of Boy George, Nirvana, Modest Mouse, Weezer, A Perfect Circle, Garbage, Smashing Pumpkins and Led Zeppelin... But, that stuff was practically controlling out bodies. Twas excellent. We went outside in our formal wear, too. On the swings. Which kicked ass.

Alex tried to teach me to punch. Tried... I think I did alright. Alright...

My cake ruled the world, we made and decorated it...

Anywaaaaay, It was an excellent celebration for the most part. And dinner was outrageous, with my parents and Bubbie. Well, it was great... The best I can remember. I got an Ipod from my parents and grandmother...!! Which is like... the gadget of my life. See ya disc man... My lovely brothers got me new bass strings and a cord... Now all I need is a bigGER amplifier. :-)


I missed a few people that would have made it by FAR the most excellent... cough. Noah. Lauren. Andy. Ilana. Mandy. Jonny.

Well...!! THAT'S OKAY... -refrence-




!!-Elise.

12:39pm: We're chained.
So, tomorrow's my birthday..

I emailed Andy this morning. Him and Jonny might not be able to come tomorrow. Hmm.

They have a show on Sunday in Silver Spring. Shannon and I plan to go..

Sara has been listening to "Hey" over the phone recently and I kind of fell in love. So, amen to The Pixies.

I have been listening to it. It's practically soaked in my pores... especially at my fingertips. Thanks to Sara, the queen of my little world. She says I am a bad shopper.. That I don't like anything. (--which she said about me without me being there, just due to the present buying process.--) I am also getting my choice of a few of her paintings. Which "r0xz0r the b0x0r."....... Or whatever. Anyway, I want to go outside..

Tom's going to Canada on my birthday. His birthday is soon...

Tom's Dinner...

do do do do, do do do do, do do DO do, do do do do.

-Elise.

6:33pm: Freeze your blood stab into me and blend.
What's to even say?

Well there's one thing to know about this globe, It's bound and it's willing to explode and that's alright.

That's alright.

My birthday is too soon. Fifteen is old, or so I feel. It's kind of the age where Peter Pan disowns you... And THAT is more than half the reason I am less than thrilled. I am kind of tired...

I don't feel important. I need to do something...

3:45pm: Help me kill my time, 'cause I'll never fine
Today was EXCELLENT. I woke up, took a shower, listening to Elliot Smith, Got dressed in brown pants, ballet slippers and a velvet underground shirt and visited Jones Lane. Amy Libby, who was my best friend from 1st grade who's one of the few still around, met me in the office and we walked around for a bit, got my fourth grade teacher and her mother, Mrs. Libby, (who had a sub for the day) and we took off to their house, aftering visiting Ms. Carr, my fifth grade teacher who I haven't seen since... fifth grade... and that was awesome. I saw my sister's memorial tree and plaque when we drove up. I am waiting until it's in bloom to visit there agian.

We went to their house for a minute to get Mrs. Libby's purse and went to lunch at Panera. Then we picked up Kimmy Martin and Karen Rose and went to Alyson's.... A few more of my childhood heroes. Who was going to meet us there after her and her current love, Nick, went to eat. So, we hung around and she showed up... blew off eating... and we sat around, laughing mostly. Mandy Gestal came by and I hadn't seen her in way too long. Karen and Amy insisted on doing my nails and make up... what was somewhat of a corruption. And their next mission is to straighten my hair... Anyway, it was excellent seeing them, beyond splendid. I had a lot of fun.

They are coming to my shin-dig in their formal attire, as are many of my loves on Friday.

I believe I am seeing Noah this weekend.. Did I already mention that. So, amen to my FABULOUS birthday week. -Elise.

8:47pm: So, what do I do with time?

I sure couldn't answer that. I officially hate all blades. All of them. Especially those damn three bladed razors...

So... Tom says my dream was easily interpreted. Haha. Oh, Tom.

Well, My eyes hurt. I see a lot, but, I walk even more. My ankles hurt for that..

The boys in The Dorian Mode may not be comming to share my birthday with me due to Luke's work... and lacks of rides. Andy said he will try.. so, who knows of the outcome until it comes out.

My birthday will be filled with dressed up love. The ladies sleeping here the night before are Lisa, Sara, Amy, Shannon, Amy Libby and Alaska. The boys, wearing nice attire, will join us the next day. The ladies are bringing dresses or skirts so, we can make it seem as if the twenty third is important. I am sure we will listen to a few Debussy records, too. That's how you know you are SORT OF classy.


But... We aren't.

Home to oblivion...

I am going to Jones Lane tomorrow with Amy Libby. We will spend the day teaching with her mother and roaming the small hallways of nostalgia. It is going to make me cry.. I can already sense it. Elementary school. The memories overflow. From when Alyson and I threw Nofinka in a field of tall grass, to when we felt it was proper beat the hell out of eachother at recess.. To when Conor grew "mad at the world" and when Amy invited me to a class meeting. And when we sat in a circle singing "Mellow Yellow" swearing we were invincibly cool. So, the halls will lurk of us.. And will seem so small when I visit. My sister's memorial tree will be nice to return to... as well.


So, I will hang out with Noah this weekend and maybe head over to his band practice... That should be excellent. His favorite is The Vampire Lestat. Amen.


That's all. -Elise.

2:49pm: It doesn't take imagination, it's just the way this stuff is done.
So, bass solos are officially a nightmare. For more than one reason.


I had a dream last night (and it fit me like a glove.) I had two pairs of glasses and I was in a pool. Sara was there.. a few other people were two, but they were unidentifyable. I dropped one of my pairs of glasses in the deepest part of the pool and I knew I wouldn't be able to get them because it was way too deep... Anyway... I tried to swim as quickly as possible to the bottom to retreive them but there was a red scaled mermaid blocking them. Sara then said: Elise, it's a red scaled lady fish, hinting that it had meaning to me, as REDscaleLADYfish would. I suppose she was there to represent me. So, that would symbolize me blocking myself from something. That was hard to manage, yet, I thought I could. Mmm, I am not sure what I am blocking myself from, excatly. But... everything is new, as this year is, and my birthday makes me feel fresh... Mmm, that is way too soon.



Well, lately... I finally saw Alex. He came over with a lot of peooooooooople the other day. Miller, Sara, Kevin, Amy... it was exciting. Very fun. Sara, Alex, Kevin and I did some alone bonding for about an hour or two which was insane. Alex sharpened my father's knife, tested it's blade on his arm hair, like my father. It was fun... in a late night.. everything is hilarious kind of way.


Noah, Amy and I decided we were going to try to play together. Noah taught me how to reaaaaad tabs and I've learned a lot of groovey stuff. It's prettty excellent. Sliver... is my most fluent, so far. The Nirvana song. I am not so bad with Rhinocerous, Luna and The Wind Cries Mary, either.


But, what an accomplishment, right?


I got my schedule today. For next week.. Which seems foreign and bizarre... But, I am pretty excited for my return. I get to take Health, which you aren't aloud to take Freshman year.. But, you usually don't stop attending school for two and a half months... I am in period four lunch with Tom , Sara and Shannon, which is excellent. Painting third period and Creative Writing first. Amen to my schedule.

And Amen to this entry.


HOROSCOPE:
You're impatient for the new material. Look over someone's shoulder to gain a sense of why his or her work is so important. If you burn all your energy now, there won't be any left for tomorrow when you'll need it.


HMM... Elise.

4:44pm: I liiiiiive! Alex came over today with Shannon, a surprise, and a great one. I was, in fact, thrilled. We went outside and made some wonderful jokes about cannibalism, Shannon wise, as we read Alex’s survival book. Mmm, music is filling up my soul as I type.


I got my new glasses yesterday and talked to Andy, which I hadn’t done with any references to our previous, and short lived, relationship. He told me, as I was going to sleep, to tell the moon he said hello and sorry he hadn't spoken to it in a while. I told him it'd be more sincere comming from him.. and he said goodnight. Then I repeated a coment he'd said to me the first time we were ever together, during the gig at the Vaiya home. I'd told him I found the moon. He asked if I was looking for it, I said yes, and then he said was it looking for you?.... And I thought that was an excellent question. Anyway, I asked him last night if it was looking for him and he said:

BasketCase12132: no
Auto response from REDscaleLADYfish: I like to pretend.
BasketCase12132: it was looking for you.
BasketCase12132: and i like to pretend too



So, I got that before bed and stuck my head out the window listening to "Mayonaise", "Pale Blue Eyes", "Dramamine" and other excellent composures, but not "Luna". I haven't listened to that in a long time. Because that's considered self mutilation. Anyway, I spoke to the moon. "And yes, I sang for you."

7:37am: This is what you get when you mess with us.
It's pretty early so, these words won't be layed out too delicatly. I feel much better than I did prior this entry when I was filled with rage that had been growing inside me. Well, my final fight on the subject has been spoken and that's all. I feel light, even. I will for only so long. I believe Shannon and Robert and Tom will all be over today to discuss the sittuations like "Humans". I belive Sara will be here, too. Which would be SO exciting.

Until then.

9:44pm: The end of this.
The Dorian Mode frustration needs to be stopped. Those boys did NOTHING to offend ANYONE who is ranting in their honor. I am sick of being the so called victim of them, I am not naive, there is just NOTHING to see. I am SICK of having Shannon upset due to harsh remarks spoken with no reason. I used to be left uneffected but now it's been made a melodramatic bullshit sittuation. Amen to the end... This needs to be STOPPED. Opions and points of view are different and those speaking without right havn't a view. That's all. It's over.

9:00pm: Clicked.

4:14pm: The Dorian Mode entry.
All that needs to be said here is that The Dorian Mode consists of Jonny, Andy, Luke and Ben. All of them are excelent people and that is all there is to it. There is no need to expand any further... That's all. They are excellent and talented people who in fact create excellent and enjoyable music. The end..! Enough with ranting about them.

9:30am: Born into silence and let it all be, lift your anchor and just float astra.
Tom came over yesterday. We watched half od What Dreams May Come and made pancakes for Gabriel and Harrison. I mixed, Tom flipped. We made brownies, too. Except, I could hardly give him much credit for that, I take all the glory for them. He did some stirring, I will give him that. [insert a provoked: "I haaate you." here] Anyway, it was a nice time. He helped me put a Doors and Salvador Dali poster up. And we turned my Jim Morrison one upside down. I won't explain the whole evening, but we talked to my mother, as well, about my pesimistic feelings on entering relationships. And how I feel it's better to stay unattached because it hurts much more to endure loss after you care so much. And I said that I probably do that to myself because I experienced the pain of loss with my sister Nicole at such a young age and it was confirmed with Zeyda's death... And that explains it but doesn't make it much healthier. But, I will eventually fall in a deep love and I suppose that I won't even be able to consciously control it. Who knows.

Not me. We never lost control. You're face to face with the man who sold the world.


I am trying to overcome some things in my life to clean the slate and feel fresh... and make it to a concert. And smile more. Though, I smile at everything.

But, I want to feel free... maybe...

I want new scenery and good health. I think I am going to a poetry convention in Florida in March.

I had a dream that it was my birthday evening and Sara and Shannon were in my house and Lisa and Amy were outside, and as I tried to verbally ask them in... without seeing them, another voice responded as they did, reciting my full name... it was an eerie voice that woke me up, but reccoured it my next, completely irrelavant dream. Which, again, woke me up.


Which I will analyze later.


Until then...! .Elise.Burke.

9:02am: Gooood Morning.. I have to take about eight pages of notes and write a six page essay of To Kill a Mockingbird by 12:30... It's nine and I feel motivationaless. Shannon emailed me last night and was pretty distressed... And I would be too but, I'm showing apathy versus tears because I don't like hurting. But, afterwards I always wish I'd feel versus pretend I don't. Anyway, Tom hates The Dorian Mode... "The whole lot of 'em" Enough said, I suppose. Luke is leaving his instant messenger up now, all the time, instead of signing up abusing an away message. Which kind of makes me quirk out. I am reading "The Natural" because Jonny said that "The Great Gatsby" was horrible. I would have read it anyway, because he said I'd probably like it... But, they only had the hardback at Barns and Noble. My romance horoscope yesterday said something about meeting my love interest at a new age bookstore. Which was too funny. And I don't belive in coincidences anymore. So, that's pretty excellent. But... I suppose I will just have to see my love interest sometime soon to put that always-planned event in action... Well, I want to see Built to Spill. I shun myself for getting sick on the night of the show. That was horrible. I want to see Modest Mouse, too. And Belle and Sebastian would be excellent. I am going to see The Dorian Mode next, I am sure. My fourth show... Hmm. Amen,


-Elise.

1:38pm: Here marks where lethargic turns into..

a seizure.

I should have picked that medicine versus Elavil.

-The end.- My only friend, the end. No safety or surprise, again.

1:09pm: I'm a highschool lover.
Yesterday was not supposed to be as it turned out.

My horoscope was horrifying yesterday so I was in fear for the course of the day. And as it turned out, the Jonny Luke plan was quite cancelled.

Jonny's father came back to town and wanted to have dinner with him. So, Jonny became frustrated and agreed to go. With many apologies and such. It couldn't be held against him. Though, needless to say, Shannon and I were disappointed. "Greatly Disappointed."

I don't think you're unworthy, I just need a moment to deliberate.

Well, we might go back to the homeland today. That would be pleasant.. ! I bought The Natural last night, so far I believe it is very, very well written...

This is going no where..

But, even if it were to, there would be no end to reach.

So, I shall... engage in... Living.


-ELise. Burke..

8:39am: I still can't focus on anything... We kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves.
The morning makes me lethargic unless the rest of the day has already planned meaning. And today should be meaningful... So, I am staying pesimistic---BEYOND lethargic. I shan't anticipate because that would an automatic screw over ...?


Maybe I'll get some reading done. I need new glasses.. Or to find my green ones..


Lisa got two new books which I am sure will be done by at least Monday. She can't hear anythinng... due to her ear infection. Oh, Lisa. --optimism due to antibiotics--
I hope she recovers shortly.


I have some kind of arm injury that my parents and I don't think it's worth checking out... because we couldn't take more physical bad news. So, there's no chance of receiving any if there's no new at all....


This is the part of me that needs medication.


La la la...

Whatever will be, will be??

Yep.

-Elise..

6:44pm: Who's that girl?
She must be nearly freezing. Who's that girl out there? All that snow makes it hard to see her... Did she wave to me?


Rob and Shannon came over. We watched some homestar... and a part of Pirates of the Caribbean. Tomorrow is supposed to be the Jonny and Shannon... and possibly Luke and I experience. I'd love to see them...hah... "You get the car, I'll get the night off, You'll get the chance to take the world apart and figure out how it works, don't let me know what you find out."


The moment is always opportune... But, the subject isn't an easy one to confront... Because we made it that way. Speak to me in a language I can hear. Humor me before YOU have to go. Deep in thought I forgive everyone, as the cluttered streets greet me once again.

The signals aren't mixed, they're even sheer.. It's the game he plays that I tend to fear.


Who's that girl?... She must be nearly freezing.

33.. Elise.